This is So Chic, Very Chic, PAPER’s examination of Bravo’s sprawling cohort of fashion obsessives. From haute couture to TJ Maxx, they’ve literally worn it all. Sometimes they stunt, sometimes they turn the look, and sometimes they burn holes in retinas my ophthalmologist says might never heal.
The Real Housewives of Miami are back, with all their divorce drama and self-tanner and teeny little satin dresses. Rejoice, because at last, there’s something good to watch on television!
I was all set to join them for their premiere party in Miami this month but was waylaid by an increasingly comedic series of high stakes interactions with costumed Minions impersonators in Times Square that climaxed with a prison stint and a book deal. The day of the premiere, I was actually set to make my morning television show debut on The View to tell my side of the story. It’s been wildly mischaracterized in Daily Mail and The Sun, and further detailed in my upcoming book, but they cancelled my appearance after old tweets of mine quoting Selena Gomez lyrics were leaked by stan Twitter. This set off a chain reaction that led celebrity personal trainers and various podcasters turned comedians to post unified Instagram graphics denouncing me. While I sat backstage at The View in a holding cell, mere moments after they cancelled me, I watched on the tiny TV as Joy Behar made a crack about my red hair.
Distraught, I walked to the CVS on Broadway and 40th, forgetting my previous altercation with the Minions costume performer that led to this in the first place. We locked eyes from across Broadway, and ignoring all traffic signals, they sprinted straight toward me. Frantic, I hid in the hair dye aisle, ducking behind a box of L’Oréal Feria 622, only to notice a recently restocked shelf of Color Oops hair remover. I heard Joy Behar’s words in my head again, and then again on the TV hanging over the checkout stand, and bought six boxes. Back at my apartment, I slathered the goop all over my ruby locks, which emitted a sulfur stench that only intensified over the next few hours. By the time it’d been fully rinsed out with my hair dye, my entire apartment building had to be evacuated from the chemical odors.
Humiliated, with pitchforks at my back and a missed Real Housewives of Miami premiere party, I sat in Port Authority writing this column, waiting for my bus out of town, maybe forever. Shall we talk about the fashions?
The Real Housewives of Miami
The Real Housewives of Miami
Alexia Nepola
God bless Alexia, who lives her life out loud and totally wrong for the enjoyment of millions around the world. The self-proclaimed Cuban doll of Miami is back with another gripping plotline about her marriage falling apart this season. While there aren’t secret gay love affairs or cartel busts to gossip about like in previous nuptials, her new man Todd left her between seasons amid shady financial dealings in the press and a whirlwind affair between the two. Questions still remain if their divorce is as real as they both claim it is, with even more questions popping up concerning this silk bustier and rhinestone choker she wore to deliver the news.
Nobody, and I mean nobody, dresses like Alexia Nepola — not on this show or others, try as they might to emulate the effect of sequins and chains and rosaries and yellow blonde hair with the faint whiff of self-tanner. It’s trashy, it’s chic, it’s the sort of thing Kim Petras tries to channel each time her team attempts to resuscitate her pop career.
Each season, Alexia finds something new to hyperfixate on, whether it’s Larsa’s ability to form sentences or Julia’s bad attitude or Guerdy for no real reason. This season, her newest interest is statement tank tops. While I’m a big fan of the bedazzled Prada number with the earring appliqués all over, the rhinestone and lace getup with “Rich” embroidered over the breast is actually quite moving, at least to me, a woman moved by the simple pleasures in life.
Marysol Patton
It wouldn’t be a scene featuring Alexia without Marysol skulking around, clutching a novelty wine jug in one hand and a pack of Parliaments in the other. Whether it’s wine o’ clock or she’s on the clock, expect this woman to come rocking up to wherever she is with a severe eyeliner and lipliner combo. The floral appliqués on this structured number might be a nice touch, but they’re not enough to lift this updo, or this dress, or even her, from obscurity.
That said, I like when Alexia and Marysol are on camera together because they can’t help but dress like headmistress and henchwoman. Alexia’s clearly the boss, as evidenced by her platinum locks and gold bangles and Revolve mesh dress, while Marysol’s on guard duty with this heavy brown dress and a sensible ponytail. I mean, can’t you just picture her dragging Alexia’s coffin around and digging graves for all the fresh kills at their murder-vampire estate?
Larsa Pippen
Before anyone asks who the new cast member is this season, it’s just Larsa in the latest of her ever-evolving disguises. As always, something’s different about her, and nobody can quite place it, least of all Larsa. Just about the only identifying feature we’ve got is her tell-tale penchant for Jean Paul Gaultier outfits that cradle the body like a girdle. (And that’s no judgement, seeing as my own closet is filled with enough for me to call it a proper archive.)
The real killer of the episode is her confessional look, which features what appears to be white pants and this pink Versace corset. It’s also rude to not point out the smoothing filter they’ve applied to her either, seeing as it’s essential to the styling as her too-big costume choker and pink eyeshadow.
I mean this sincerely: Does anyone else find it hard to focus on any single detail of this outfit? It’s like the longer I look at it, the less I seem to remember about it. Ten minutes have gone by, and I can barely make out her face, let alone remember if her lipgloss was a tumescent pink or dusty rose.
Lisa Hochstein
I did a double take over this outfit before quickly remembering I’ve seen it before, on Tamra Judge no less! I hated it the first time and loathe it all the same here. But to Lisa’s credit, because she deserves it for living so shamelessly on television, the whole look has been gussied up by the thousands of dollars of extensions she’s had installed. Kudos!
It makes sense Lisa and Larsa’s feud would get this toxic this quickly, seeing how they’re both the exact same sort of person. But where Larsa’s clad in Jean Paul Gaultier and Versace, Lisa’s decked in Dolce & Gabbana and Dior and David Koma and hell, even Versace and Jean Paul Gaultier, like this dress, which is a very famous JPG print at this point seen on everyone from influencers to Instagram models to reality TV stars like Lisa!
Guerdy Abraira
If Guerdy has a million fans, then I am one of them. If Guerdy has ten fans, then I am one of them. If Guerdy has only one fan then that is me. If Guerdy has no fans, then that means I am no longer on earth. If the world is against Guerdy, then I am against the world. And if Guerdy decided to wear whatever the hell this is, dye her hair metallic silver and wear hot pink eyeshadow, then I say let her! So it be decreed, here in this column, where I am like a queen whose word comes directly from God.
Case in point: Here’s what the patron saint of Miami wore to an “Old Hollywood” party for Lisa disguised as a birthday party for Lisa’s boyfriend. There’s neither anything old or Hollywood about it, sans its availability at sex shops along Hollywood Boulevard.
That said, I quite liked this futuristic bikini set she wore to party on Kiki’s ex-boyfriend’s yacht. It also takes courage in spades to make such a daring choice while recovering from a double mastectomy and numerous followup procedures. Courage, mind you, that Guerdy possesses in spades.
Adriana de Moura
Speaking of yacht parties, Captain Adriana commandeered the vessel to run her mouth about Larsa, which is why she keeps this job when few others can. The hat is silly, the glasses with the reading chain are silly, this bathing suit print is silly. Kudos!
Her confessional look was more pedestrian, which isn’t to say bad — just boring! It’s a beautiful color on her though, and I love the way it brings out the color in her skin against this fabulously applied red lip. Sensible but savvy!
Kiki Barth
As for Kiki, she’s back with a severe bob and even more severe cleavage display. This is a wonderful cut and color on her, accentuating her features and highlighting her indescribable beauty. I’m even willing to overlook the pedestrian dress and sensible styling because she just looks that good!
I mostly wanted to note their dresses to said birthday party from earlier. I love Kiki’s Valentino-esque moment, while I loathe Larsa’s satin and ostrich feather monstrosity.
Julia Lemigova
Let’s close on Julia, who’s back for another season where she warbles through scenes while skulking about in Alexia and Marysol’s shadows. To choose them over Guerdy was a savvy move on her part, if what she wants is to participate in long-form Harvard research studies about in-group, out-group dynamics. Less savvy were her confessional outfits, which she absolutely chose for herself. That they swing wildly from too much necklace to not enough necklace did make me laugh, if only because there’s nothing else to latch onto here. Best of luck next time!
